What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 29.06.2025 00:05
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
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And who doesn’t know suffering?
What did i know ?
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
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She loved him until the end.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
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I have no regrets .
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Im dying but, im not bitter.
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And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
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She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Ive learnt so much.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
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I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
So, i spoilt her more .
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
He resisted the act ,that day.
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Im still living with it.
Comes on , in middle age.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
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My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
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My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
I was 9 years of age.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
And i lived it daily.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
I was very sick at this time too.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
I said to her
Why did i forgive my father ?
It was going to be , some day.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Especially a lifetime of it.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
He was dying to do it , i knew.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
We all went to grammer schools
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
I think the readers, may guess!
I waited trembling.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
One cannot live in the past .
My life is so biszare .
She married twice! .
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I don,t even have a pension.
I was scared of men, in general
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Put me off passion for life!!
I couldn’t, believe it.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
I will be 64.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
All the time i was locked up.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
But, we were locked up after school.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
This is soul school!.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
But it wasn’t much.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
We were not on the streets..
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Would this be the day?
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
When she asked me how she looked .
I could never make a relationship work though!
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I write beautiful poetry .
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
My mum and dad in the seventies!
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
(And it was in our own minds.)
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
He knew the spot.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
She wouldn,t have been !
She found it foreign!.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
But ive been too sick for many years..
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Was to survive, this bastard.
My family never makes their pension either.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
She was in good health!
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Who then, do I blame.?
As i do to all so called friends.?
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
So whats the point in blame.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
I had hoped to write a book about this .
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
I never cut or harmed myself..
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I was seconnd youngest,
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
The only rule us 5 kids had .